FX: Jungle sounds.
GRAMS: Ringtone, “Does Your Mama Know?”
FX: Cell phone.
JANE (responses): Hi Mom. Wait. Calm down, Mom! What’s wrong? (pause) Frozen solid? Yeah, I get it: ‘block of ice’ solid. Okay Mom, don’t worry; I’ll handle it.
FX: Phone call ends.
JANE: Kerry O’Toole, you get out here right now! What have you done to my father?
KERRY: Just what you asked, lass. You said you wanted a popsicle...
JANE: That is *not* what I meant! You’re supposed to be helping me!
KERRY: You’re lucky I didn’t turn you into a drug-sniffing dog.
JANE: No, instead you zapped me to God-knows-where in South America so I can find you some type of weed that hasn’t been grown since my mother was in diapers.
KERRY: Columbian Gold! My favourite. The real stuff’s very rare these days. And faith, lass, it was sure an’ you that burned my stash!
JANE: Come on, Kerry! Most leprechauns hide a pot of gold at the rainbow’s end.
KERRY: I did! The pot was more... metaphorical. A bit o’ blarney to confuse the curious. How was I to know some slip of a girl would come along and destroy it? You’ve earned the wrath of the wee folk!
JANE: I get it! Now I can’t cross the Eighth Street Bridge without some troll popping out and demanding a tribute, and every night you reset my computer clock to 20 years in the future. And what you did to poor Rachel!
KERRY: That was her fault, Janie. She’s the one that said I was truly one of the wee folk!
JANE: Well you shouldn’t have made a pass at her! She’s a lesbian!
KERRY: And I turned her into a fairy! Verisimilitude of the spirit; outies match innies, if ye get my drift. And I was drunk at the time.
JANE: You’re always drunk, Kerry.
KERRY: Guilty as charged, yer honour.
JANE: Yeah, I know. And the sentence is twenty years hard liquor. Are all magical creatures substance-abusing perverts?
KERRY: No! Only a few. And they fair an’ give a bad name to the rest of us!
FX: Thrashing plant noises.
JANE: Look! Here’s some cannabis. Is this what you want?
KERRY: Begorrah! That’s the stuff! Now the other part...
JANE: What ‘other part’?
KERRY: It has to be harvested by a naked virgin.
JANE: You just made that up!
KERRY: True, but now that I have...
JANE: But I’m not naked!
KERRY: Easy solution, love.
JANE: And I’m not a...
KERRY: Billy Peterson doesn’t count. Now hurry up, your father’s probably melting.
FX: Sound of clothes being dropped onto plants.
KERRY: You have lovely insteps.
JANE: I’m surprised you’re not commenting on something else.
KERRY: I’ll work my way up.
GRAMS: Does Your Momma Know?
JANE (responses): Hi Mom. He’s better? Great. I’ll call you later Mom, I’m incurring roaming charges here. Love you, bye.
FX: Pulling and cutting.
JANE: There! Now I’ll get dressed and we can go home!
KERRY: Actually, love, I sent your clothes on ahead. Lovely spot for a picnic, isn’t it?
FX: Slap.