A Walk in the Forest

FX: Jungle sounds.

GRAMS: Ringtone, “Does Your Mama Know?”

FX: Cell phone.

JANE (responses): Hi Mom. Wait. Calm down, Mom! What’s wrong? (pause)  Frozen solid? Yeah, I get it: ‘block of ice’ solid. Okay Mom, don’t worry; I’ll handle it.

FX: Phone call ends.

JANE: Kerry O’Toole, you get out here right now! What have you done to my father?

KERRY: Just what you asked, lass. You said you wanted a popsicle...

JANE: That is *not* what I meant! You’re supposed to be helping me!

KERRY: You’re lucky I didn’t turn you into a drug-sniffing dog.

JANE: No, instead you zapped me to God-knows-where in South America so I can find you some type of weed that hasn’t been grown since my mother was in diapers.

KERRY: Columbian Gold! My favourite. The real stuff’s very rare these days. And faith, lass, it was sure an’ you that burned my stash!

JANE: Come on, Kerry! Most leprechauns hide a pot of gold at the rainbow’s end.

KERRY: I did! The pot was more... metaphorical. A bit o’ blarney to confuse the curious. How was I to know some slip of a girl would come along and destroy it? You’ve earned the wrath of the wee folk!

JANE: I get it! Now I can’t cross the Eighth Street Bridge without some troll popping out and demanding a tribute, and every night you reset my computer clock to 20 years in the future. And what you did to poor Rachel!

KERRY: That was her fault, Janie. She’s the one that said I was truly one of the wee folk!

JANE: Well you shouldn’t have made a pass at her! She’s a lesbian!

KERRY: And I turned her into a fairy! Verisimilitude of the spirit; outies match innies, if ye get my drift. And I was drunk at the time.

JANE: You’re always drunk, Kerry.

KERRY: Guilty as charged, yer honour.

JANE: Yeah, I know. And the sentence is twenty years hard liquor. Are all magical creatures substance-abusing perverts?

KERRY: No! Only a few. And they fair an’ give a bad name to the rest of us!

FX: Thrashing plant noises.

JANE: Look! Here’s some cannabis. Is this what you want?

KERRY: Begorrah! That’s the stuff! Now the other part...

JANE: What ‘other part’?

KERRY: It has to be harvested by a naked virgin.

JANE: You just made that up!

KERRY: True, but now that I have...

JANE: But I’m not naked!

KERRY: Easy solution, love.

JANE: And I’m not a...

KERRY: Billy Peterson doesn’t count. Now hurry up, your father’s probably melting.

FX: Sound of clothes being dropped onto plants.

KERRY: You have lovely insteps.

JANE: I’m surprised you’re not commenting on something else.

KERRY: I’ll work my way up.

GRAMS: Does Your Momma Know?

JANE (responses): Hi Mom. He’s better? Great. I’ll call you later Mom, I’m incurring roaming charges here. Love you, bye.

FX: Pulling and cutting.

JANE: There! Now I’ll get dressed and we can go home!

KERRY: Actually, love, I sent your clothes on ahead. Lovely spot for a picnic, isn’t it?

FX: Slap.