Zombie Killer

You don’t believe me, do you? I was there; I saw it with my own eyes. This really happened.

It was the last day of school; I’d cleaned my locker out the day before and so Conway, Jeff and I were hanging in the cafeteria. Everything was normal until the cheerleading squad shambled in. Six girls in short skirts would normally be a welcome sight, but the drying flesh and sunken eyes made it a little creepy.

We were all backing up against the walls trying to keep away from the girls when Jay came in. He looked around like he’d been expecting the whole thing, then he did one of those two fingers in the mouth whistles I was never able to. Everyone looked at him.

Jay is normally the biggest loser in school; he’d outdone himself that day. He looked like a pimp from an old cop show; he had tight blue jeans and his shirt open to the navel. He was wearing enough gold chain to lock up a gangsta, and as God is my witness he was wearing platform shoes. I couldn’t tell if the grease in his hair came from a bottle or if he just hadn’t washed it.

So Jay smiled this creepy smile and whipped out a pair of sunglasses. He snapped them open with a flick of the wrist and put them on like he’d been practicing for just this moment.

“Hey Ladies.”

The zombies looked just as confused as everyone else, especially when Jay walked right up to them.

“Well Steph, you said you’d only go out with me if you were dead. I’m calling you on that.”

Stephanie, the head cheerleader and I guess chief corpse, blinked a couple of times. Then she said “Rrrarrgh!” and reached for Jay’s throat. I think she was trying to strangle him, but her fingers got caught in all that gold chain. Jay wasn’t fazed one bit.

“Love the perfume, babe. Is that Charnel No. 5?” Then he kissed her. Really. On the rotting lips. With tongue.

I seen a lot of zombies in my time, but I never seen one surprised before. One of the living girls cowering with us puked on Conway’s shirt. Tell the truth I was ready to puke myself. But it wasn’t over.

The other girls sort of closed in on Jay but he took it in stride. He half-let go of Stephanie and turned to the shambling horrors.

“Hey, there’s plenty of me to go around.” When he did a hip thrust that girl puked on Conway again. Conway offered her a napkin; I think that was the most interaction he’s ever had with a real girl.

Anyway, so I don’t believe it but Jay’s shtick worked. He walked out of there with a zombie girl on each arm and four more trailing behind. Nobody’s seen him since, and I’m pretty sure nobody wants to. Makes me sick just thinking about it.