“The Belle Tolls, Part Two Scene One Take Eight. Action!”
“Stop trying to cop a feel, Ed!”
“My hand is exactly where it was at the end of last season.”
“At least don’t squeeze.”
“Get with it, you two. From the top. Action!”
I kick backwards and Ed the zombie falls. Just like we practiced I swing my legs up and use them to pull the guys on my arms down. My self-defence instructor thinks it’s stupid, but that’s what combat is like on the set. It’s all in fun, which is why I do my own stunts.
Ed misses his cue and doesn’t let go. Instead he grabs tighter.
“Ed! Cut it out!”
“Ha ha. I mean it, let go!” I’m fit and fairly strong, but Ed’s grip is like steel. “Ed!”
“Cut!” Monty is running onto the set. “Harrison, let go of Nellie! This is no place for an ad lib!”
This feels disturbingly real. I start pulling at Ed’s hands and notice that the fake zombie claws have come off; they’re being replaced by... real claws! What the f...?
“Ed Harrison, if you don’t smarten up you’re fuuhlgh.”
Claws push through Monty’s chest and tear backwards; he’s dead before he hits the floor. Behind him Jenna –Katie– is holding his heart while it stops beating. She tears a chunk off with her teeth.
People are running now. I can hear screams and some kind of alarm. The only ones left on the set are me, Jenna, Ed, two extras and a cameraman. Except for me they’re all monsters.
I finally wriggle out of Ed’s grip. My shirt is torn, but life trumps decency. I leap away and slam into the lunch counter, causing a spray of fake marinara from my shirt. It smells even more disgusting than it did in March when we shot the teaser.
“Don’t get any in your mouth!”
I spare a glance; it’s Ricki in her Demon Queen Tina outfit. The only person in the series that shows more T&A than me.
“Don’t eat any! I saw a couple of interns go zombie after trying it!”
Great. And I’m coated in the stuff. I roll over the counter as Jenna grabs for me.
I jump for the back door but it’s fake and doesn’t open; they’re coming at me from all sides. I have to go for it. Hopefully this heroic BS works.
I charge the mob, catching them off guard. It’s enough, barely, to get me through them. I’m scratched but safe. Ricki grabs my hand and starts pulling me toward Makeup.
“Not our problem, Nell. That’s what Security’s for. We have to get that damned sauce off you.”
Hence our running toward Makeup. The only place on site with a shower.
The aftermath wasn’t as awful as I feared. Monty was dead, of course, but the others recovered in about an hour.
So we all we need is a new director. The show must go on.