2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very Wrong Bathroom

I wasn’t entirely sure where I was except that it had a toilet in it, but that was enough. Jeans drop, drawers drop, and then the entire contents of my intestine drop. I’ve never been in that big a rush to get to the bathroom before; what the heck was in a Double Decker Grand Master Burrito With Freakin’ Everything, anyway?

It took a moment to catch my breath, and a few more before my legs would support me again. You don’t need me to go into the mechanics of wiping; just suffice it to say that I needed more paper than usual. Finally the whole ordeal was over. Properly re-dressed, I stepped out of the stall.

And froze. I’d been in the ladies’ room once or twice by accident: this wasn’t it. It looked more like the cantina from Star Wars. A ten-foot caterpillar was leaning over the sink washing two pairs of hands. A semi-transparent woman who only existed from the waist up was primping in the mirror, and some kind of gelatinous ooze was running itself back and forth through the roller towel. The only occupants looking at me were the most normal-looking: a couple of goth spinsters whose fangs identified them as sabre-toothed vampires. Or something.

“What have we here, Matilda? A man?”

“Indeed, Lucrezia, it does look like a man.”

“Sorry ladies. I, uh, seem to have come into the wrong washroom.”

“You certainly have, boy. You most certainly have.” Lucrezia smiled, showing off more sharpened teeth to match her oversized canines.

“It’s like having a snack delivered just for us.” Matilda revealed similar dentition.

“Wait! You don’t want to eat me!”

“Why not, Dearie?”

“Because I’m a... a... a werewolf! That’s it, I’m a werewolf in human form!” I started edging toward the exit.

“Ooh, but I love werewolf! It has such a wonderful game taste. Do you hunt in the city or the wilds, Dear?”

“Uh, the city?”

“Ooh, all that fresh young urban meat in him! It’s been a while since I tasted urban meat. Transform for us, boy. The fight will make you more savoury.”

The caterpillar half-turned. “Not in here, you old harridans. I don’t want to have to wash the blood out of my fur again.”

They turned toward her for just a split second, but it was enough. I bolted past them out the door and into the crowded mall.

And that’s what brought me to you, officer. Are there two little old ladies following me?