To: Reginald Lucife <email@example.com>
From: EOTS Sandy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Weekly Report
Dear Mister Lucife;
Please find attached my first and last report on host family X. I dare you to print any of this. I assure you that it is all true, and thus not libellous, but these people guard their privacy sufficiently well that you will not find any evidence should the matter be raised in court.
I have been an Elf on the Shelf for seven years now, and have NEVER before been assigned a family that is in this much need of psychiatric and/or legal intervention. However, I was able to maintain a professional demeanour throughout the process and will eventually recover. You will be receiving a bill from my therapist.
I draw your attention to a few specifics.
1. Every member of the family performed the unusual act noted in item 1, with the sole exception of daughter E, who said she wouldn’t even touch me until I had been washed. Twice.
2. My hat was permanently damaged by item 4. You will also be receiving a bill for that.
3. After item 7, I never want to see that part of the human anatomy from that distance again, especially son J.
4. My plastic nose left a permanent mark in the living room wall (item 9).
5. I still smell of melted chocolate, which is not so bad, actually.
6. The object inserted into my torso in item 21 is still there. Considering how painful it was to put in, I may simply leave it there. On the other hand, I dread what will happen when the batteries need to be changed.
7. I was only buried in the back yard for half a day.
8. After item 27, I am not certain why daughter E was so picky about my being washed.
9. It does indeed hurt to have all your stuffing removed and your head squished (see items 21, 29 and 43), and being dried in a warm oven is uncomfortable to say the least.
In summary you should find this report interesting reading, but I doubt you will find more than the most superficial items printable. I still expect partial payment for my week of service, as you hired me without agreement that the material found would or could be printed (see clause 17.03.2(a) of our contract). I can be reached care of daughter E.
Now kindly pay me and get out of my life,