Stories

A Wedding, with Crocodiles

“… let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”

The preacher glanced over the congregation and waited the required two seconds while I stared down at my lovely bride Rhianna in her white dress and veil.

“Then, by the power–“

BAM! CRUNCH! KA-CHACK!

I whirled to face the door, now lying off its hinges at the back of the church. Mary, my ex-wife, raised the rocket launcher to her shoulder and fired. With a colossal roar Rianna’s head exploded, spraying fragments of skull in every direction. The minister and I were thrown backward and someone in the congregation screamed.

“I object; the bride is out of her head.”

“MARY! WHAT THE F--K?!?”

“What the f--k yourself, John? When did you start shacking up with this b-tch, an hour after I left? You didn’t notice that she was a f--king supernatural monster? Or were you too busy f--king the supernatural monster to notice?”

“What are you talking about, Mary? You just blew her head off with a f--king rocket!”

“Did it slow her down, John?”

While Mary was reloading I turned and looked. Rhianna was shaking herself and growing a new head. I watched as the night-black hair, dark eyes and ruby lips I’d fallen hopelessly in love with on first sight of her returned, the only sign of her recent decapitation being a red fringe around the top of her dress.

“My God, Rhianna, you’re a vampire!”

She sneered at me with venom in her eyes. “I am not a vampire, you overfunded piece of meat! Like many reptilians, I regenerate. The only thing I want to suck dry is your bank account!”

I laughed out loud and pointed at Mary.

“Then you should be marrying her! She got everything in the divorce!”

Mary fired another rocket up the center aisle, blowing the altar to marble shards. Rhianna pushed me lightly toward it.

“For once, Johnathan, I will take your advice. Nasser! Osiris! Finish him!”

She stalked up the aisle as two huge crocodiles emerged from the nursery. Several smaller crocs followed them and started chasing the congregation. The guests panicked and filled the aisles, yet somehow Rhianna slithered through them like a reptile through still water. Mary’s voice rose above the clamour.

“Get out of my way! I can’t get a clear shot!”

I looked around for a weapon but there was nothing other than the large altar cross with corpus. I grabbed the heavy crucifix and presented it forcefully toward the big crocodiles.

“The power of Christ compels you!”

They didn’t find it very compelling.

Finally I had to use it as a bludgeon, swinging it hard and calling out “Sorry, Jesus!” with each strike. But the damn crocs were fast for big dumb reptiles and I only got in a couple of glancing blows. It did keep them occupied while the church emptied, though.

Finally the crocodiles backed off and I looked around. The only ones left inside were Me, Rhianna, Mary, the crocs, and a half-dozen bloodied corpses. Mary stood there slack-jawed, Rhianna’s arm around her waist. I remember that dazed expression from when I first met Rhianna.

My former fiance’s sultry voice carried up the aisle.

“Thanks for the tip, John. Don’t come after us or I will have you eaten.”

Then she and Mary turned and walked out, followed by the crocodiles. As they left I couldn’t help but think that once again my ex-wife got everything and left me with the bill.