Stories

Turtle and the Rabbit's Wedding

They told me seeing a turtle on your wedding day would bring good luck, so when I ran over that turtle on the interstate I knew what came next. Time to get married! I started looking around as I drove.

Five miles later I saw her, standing by the side of the road. She was a redhead, short and skinny-ish, wearing a pink hoodie with bunny ears and faded blue jeans, with a cardboard sign that read “Denver”. I instantly dubbed her my little Rabbit. She was smiling at me and holding her thumb up; that means “I like you” in any language. I pulled over and waved her in.

“So, how far can you take me?”

“All the way.”

“Thanks, that’s great.”

“Fine day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Thanks again, this is really nice of you.”

One bride; check. Next, a chapel.

I smiled at her, “Could you keep an eye open for a church?”

“I suppose. Are you religious?”

“Not really. I’m going to get married.”

“Congratulations. But don’t you need a girl for that? Or a guy, I guess. That’s legal too these days.”

“Already got one.” Rabbit looked at me kind of strangely, but didn’t say anything.

About twenty-five miles further on I spotted a little chapel by the road and pulled over.

“Well, here we are. Now to find the minister.”

To my surprise she shifted in the seat and tried to kick me. “No …ing way, creep!” She started fumbling with the door latch.

She was actually pretty easy to subdue, mostlly on account of being short and kind of skinny. It wasn’t long before I had her hands tied behind her back so she wouldn’t succumb to pre-wedding jitters again.

The chapel was rustic, lit by natural light coming through the holes in the roof. It was perfect except for one thing: no minister. We looked around, startling a few small animals who’d taken up residence. I love a church that’s in harmony with nature.

When a raccoon leapt onto the altar and snarled at me I jumped back. Rabbit bolted up the aisle; I had to chase her out the door.

She ran straight to the Minister, who was standing outside the church wearing the uniform of a highway patrolman.

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

Rabbit shouted. “This creep kidnapped me and wants to rape me!”

“Don’t listen to her, Father. It’s our wedding day. I’m glad you showed up.”

There was a bit of confusion and a minor scuffle, but eventually we got a ride to the nearest town. It turned out he wasn’t a minister, but we did end up before a judge. I guess that was good enough.

The judge listened to my story and to hers, and in the end sided with her. Turns out the law gives more credence to twelve-year-olds than adults. Now I’m doing 10-20 in federal prison. Stupid Rabbit.