Stories

World of Cows

Three steaks: sixty-five dollars.
Extreme barbecue sauce: eight dollars.
Jug of milk in case sauce is too extreme: three dollars.
Barbecue on the balcony tonight with Gina and Sandy: priceless.

My two-girl date night anticipation fantasy is interrupted when I walk out of the grocery store. Something’s wrong. Instead of a congested street filled with cars there are bicycles everywhere. And all the people have been replaced with cows. What the…?

“Hey Putz! You gonna stand there all day? Mooove it!”

The lady… uh, cow… pushes me out of the way from behind and walks past indignantly. This is just too weird. It’s got to be a dream or something. Good thing I’m still normal. Or am I?

I look down and that’s when I realize I’m a cow, too. I’m an upright walking cow, just like everyone else. This is too freaky!

Wait a minute! Aren’t all cows girls? I look down; I have udders. But aren’t udders really…? I reach down and give a squeeze. I’ve got tits! So much for my chances of getting laid tonight!

There’s a sound from my grocery bag. I look in and my steaks are crying. And each has a tag with somebody’s face on it. A cow’s face. My God, I’m the freakin’ Hannibal Lecter of cows! NOOO!

This has to be a dream! I have to wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up, …

Another voice joins mine, “Wake up! Wake up, Rex!”

 

The world does some kind of freaky fade and dissolve around me. Sandy is jostling my shoulder and I’m lying on the couch. My head feels like a football at the end of the second quarter.

“Wake up, Rex. I think you were having a bad dream.”

“Oh yeah, the worst. I dreamed everybody was a cow and I was carrying steaks.”

“You’re weird Rex. Speaking of steaks, did you pick them up?”

“Yeah, they’re in the fridge marinating. When’s Gina get here?”

“About an hour.”

“You wanna…?”

“After dinner, Rex. You know nothing turns me on like a big juicy slice of meat.” Her tongue comes out and caresses the tip of her nose.

“You are one sexy bitch, Sandy.”

“And don’t you forget it. Now you better start getting cleaned up soon, but I need to use the hydrant first.”

She sashays to the bathroom, her tail twitching seductively behind her. It makes my tail wag just watching; she’s the hottest Dalmatian in the city, and not just because she’ll run with a Husky guy like me.