Don't Delete Chain Mail - Paramecium

 [In response to the zombie post jhowe challenged me to do a paramecium post. Pattypans suggested I resist. Here it is.]

Sigh. Sorry, Pattypans, resistance is futile. Here goes:

Slubloop waved its cilia in sequence, propelling itself through the water. It sensed a change in the medium in that direction, which usually meant food. If a paramecium could be said to hurry, it was hurrying toward its next meal.

But the thing it approached was not a meal. It was a substance the Slubloop had never encountered before. Even if it had been told this was an electrical contact, it would not have understood. After all, it had no brain. It touched the new thing with its cilia, not out of curiosity but because it happened to be there.

Immediately reversing direction it bumped into the other one. Microamps of current coursed through its body, causing its cilia to all stand out like a porcupine. The other paramecia would have laughed, if they could have seen Slubloop’s distress. Assuming they knew what a porcupine was. Or what humour was.

In an instant Slubloop was granted full cosmic awareness of the import of its action. The short circuit it caused had started a cascade which totally erased the hard disk of a college student (whatever that was) and in turn brought bad luck on it for ten years (whatever years were). Slubloop didn’t really care though, because its membrane had dissociated, spilling all of its insides into the medium where they would serve only to feed its fellow microbes. Shubloop would have cried if it had had tear ducts.

“Shit!” said Steve. “I just spilled my bio-experiment on my laptop keyboard! And I was just about to send that stupid chain letter right back to Tim! What rotten luck!”

(original post